Published Articles

Question: I recently had the following dilemma. Our family car was not drivable and we needed a car for my date. Would it have been appropriate to have the shadchan ask the girl’s side if we can use her car for the date? Or should I just have spent the money and rented a car?...Read More

Question:   I have a follow-up to the question from a few weeks ago about serving as a shidduch reference.   Recently, quite a few times, I got calls about singles from people, but they refused to provide their name or their relationship to the shidduch (meaning if it’s for their son, daughter, or some other...Read More

Question:   I am a 20-year-old Bais Yaakov girl in shidduchim and I have had Crohn's disease since I was very young. I am ready to begin shidduchim and have a question for the panelists before I begin to date. Let me give you some background information so that you can best answer my question. Read More

Question: 
I am a child of divorce who has been in shidduchim now for 10 years. Over the years, I've been privy to conversations of people discussing their deep distrust of children of divorce in shidduchim. I myself have been turned down for exactly that reason. Seeing as our parents’ marriages are not something we have any control over, it...Read More

Question:   Our daughter is ready to begin shidduchim and we met with some shadchanim. Now what? Do we just sit and wait for the phone to ring? Do we go to meet with even more shadchanim?   Is there any additional effective hishtadlus that you would recommend that we do, other ways to come up with possible suggestions for our daughter?Read More

Question: One of the most unfortunate lines that I keep hearing from parents of boys and girls alike is, "We can't wait to be out of shidduchim," or, "I feel such a load off my shoulders in between my children who are dating." Is there any way to spin the process into a lighter, more...Read More

Question:   In Rav Chaim Kanievsky on Shidduchim, Rabbi Naftali Weinberger relates that Rav Chaim zt”l said, and I quote, “There is no way to know for sure that this is one’s intended shidduch other than to marry the person.” Furthermore, Rav Chaim said, “Though a Heavenly voice decrees whom one will marry, it is possible for a person...Read More

Question:   I have been redding shidduchim for a number of years and successfully made a number of shidduchim. Recently, I have been hearing from mothers of Lakewood boys that they are only looking into Lakewood girls. I have heard this multiple times. I am assuming that these mothers are looking for the convenience of not shlepping for a date and eventually for the...Read More

Question: A century ago, redding a shidduch required significant effort on the shadchan’s behalf, traveling to someone’s home across town or even traveling for days to another town to relay information. Nowadays, shidduch résumé sharing occurs with little effort and sometimes no thought. A mother with a boy in shidduchim told me that a shadchan shared with her 15 girls’ shidduch profiles in one day. This is what...Read More

Question: Our son would like to live in Eretz Yisroel after he gets married. He says that this is very important to him. For how long? No one knows. But he definitely wants to start off there. Is this something we should tell shadchanim when they first redd a shidduch? Or is it something better left for our son to...Read More

Question: My husband and I are trying to put together a shidduch résumé, but are not seeing eye-to-eye as to what should be included. I believe that a résumé should give basic points about the person in shidduchim and his/her immediate family. When I drafted the résumé, it ran about two-thirds of a page. My husband wants to include more...Read More

Question: I got a 22-year-old girl to go out with a 27-year-old boy. Everything went very well and they both really wanted to get engaged. The girl asked that he commits to 5 years of learning. The boy said that even though he is a very serious learner, he doesn't want to commit to another 5 years because he...Read More

Question: As the mother of a boy, I would like to raise a problem that I face while trying to gather information about a girl. Too often, I call a reference who answers the phone, and I tell her that I am calling for shidduch information. Before even giving her the girl’s name, she says, “Sorry, I...Read More

Question: To the esteemed panelists: It is admirable and appreciated that so many people want to suggest shidduchim, but unless the shadchan is extremely close to the single, they would not know if the single is currently dating someone, just finished a difficult dating situation and needs a break, or for any other reason might not be open to...Read More

Question:   I have been redding shidduchim in my spare time for well over a decade, amounting to hundreds of suggestions. I've yet to make a shidduch.    My husband keeps encouraging me to continue, because it's a big zechus, and one day I’ll finally succeed, but I think I’m done. I feel that it's kind of like if someone...Read More

Question: My son was recently redd a shidduch, and I called a friend of the girl, who answered all my questions. Then, at the end of the conversation, she said, "I am sure you know that one of the siblings has an emotional issue.”   What, as a parent, am I supposed to do with a comment like that?...Read More

Question:   This question is no longer relevant to us, as you’ll see, but it may be applicable to others.    Before Yom Tov, our son came back from learning in Eretz Yisroel. We were unsure if we should have him go out right away or if we should wait until after the “freezer.” On one...Read More

Question:   My wife and I have a wonderful daughter who, boruch Hashem, has all the qualities and attributes that a Bas Yisroel should possess. She comes from a home that has invested in her totally (as many other homes have invested in their children). My wife and I are both professionals. We are both products of the yeshiva system....Read More

Question:   When I embarked on shidduchim with my daughter two years ago, I sought to understand the correct “mehalech.” My husband spoke to gedolim such as Rav Chaim Kanievsky, Rav Mordechai Brim, Rav Michel Stern and others, and each one told us the same thing, namely, that bas ploni l’ploni, meaning that her zivug is already prepared and the ultimate hishtadlus is to...Read More

Question:   In today’s times, it is expected that girls follow a system - elementary school, high school, seminary, and then shidduchim. What if, upon return from seminary, a girl (or her parents) feels that she is not yet ready to start shidduchim? How can she navigate our cookie-cutter society, which looks askance at anything that is...Read More

Question:   I am a girl in shidduchim who is proudly looking for a learning boy. I understand the zechus of marrying and supporting a husband who spends his days immersed in limud HaTorah. But what are the sacrifices? As experienced shadchanim, can you describe, in brief, what sacrifices I may have to make in order to take on this important...Read More

Question: As a bochur who has been dating for a while, I feel compelled to ask: Is it not basic kavod habrios that if one side would not like to continue a shidduch, the shadchan should call the other party to inform them? I have been told many times via a brief text from the shadchan that a shidduch that felt promising to me is no...Read More

Question: I'm a twenty-seven-year-old boy and I have been dating for over five years. At this point, my head is spinning. I have been out with so many girls, and after every time, I find myself more confused that I don't even know what I am looking for. I believe that I have to go back from...Read More

Question: For the past few months, I have received numerous phone calls about shidduch references for my friends whom I have not seen or spoken to ever since the coronavirus hemorrhaged all of our social lives. Even after I say nice things about my friends, the girls or their mothers decide that the prospect is not shayach simply because...Read More

Question: I've gone out with a boy a few times. He’s nice and we have interesting conversations, but I feel so stressed when I think about going further, because I'm just not sure if he is someone I want to marry. There is nothing wrong with him, per se, and I don't even know why...Read More

Question: I’m interested in reading the opinions of the panelists regarding boys and girls exchanging phone numbers before they are fully ready to get engaged. Personally, I feel that breaking down this barrier causes unnecessary anguish if the shidduch doesn't work out, and it also forces the two of them to share their feelings about how it...Read More

Question: I thought of an idea to help address our shidduchim needs. Why not have boys/girls send in a short clip of themselves talking about themselves and what they are looking for in a shidduch and their priorities? This would be very helpful in preventing DOA shidduch dates and would have a lot more people...Read More

Question: I recently redd a shidduch to a talmid of mine. His mother got back to me before Yom Tov, telling me that she was interested in her son meeting the girl who I had suggested. I let the girl’s family know right away and waited to hear back from them. Even though it was a busy week of Yom Tov, they got...Read More

Question: I recently started the parsha of shidduchim. I have met with several shadchanim since I got back from Eretz Yisroel. While some of them sat down to speak to me, some merely bumped into me and asked me my name, where I learned, and what my parents do. Then these shadchanim began sending résumés to my mother.  My question is: Do...Read More

Question:   My wife has a sister who has been in shidduchim for over four years. We work tirelessly to try to get her married. It has happened numerous times that when we contact shadchanim to redd a certain shidduch to the boy’s side, they refuse to even redd it, claiming that we have “no chance.”  Is that the way it is supposed to go?...Read More

Question: I'm a chassidishe lady married nine years. When I was 21 years old, my parents found a shidduch that matched the picture I had in my head as to what type of boy I wanted to marry. I had three “beshows” and got engaged. (I actually believe that the third beshow was a waste of time.) I am very happily married.  I...Read More

Question: I spoke to the mother of a boy to find out some details about her son to see if he would be a shidduch for my friend. (This boy is my brother’s friend.) After I had asked all my questions, I emailed her with the résumé of my friend. After about a week, she...Read More

Question: 
I am a single yeshivishe woman in my early 30's. As I am an adult, I believe that at this point it is appropriate to move out of my parents' house and create my own living quarters, regardless of whether I have a husband by my side. All of my single friends either live on their...Read More

Question: I am a single young man who is divorced. I was married for less than a year and do not have children. Some of the shidduchim being redd to me are wonderful young women who have a child or two. How am I supposed to know if I should be considering a shidduch with someone who has children? I understand that being...Read More

Question: Like many people, I try from time to time to suggest shidduchim to singles I know. In the majority of cases, it's the girl’s side who rejects the suggestion based on the fact that the boy isn't spiritually suitable for them. It may be that the boy is learning in yeshiva but also attending school to learn a vocation...Read More

Question: On several occasions, my son has had girls run out of his car after a date. He tells the girl that he had a nice date, and then, for example, he adds that he’ll call her (if that’s where they’re up to), and she flies out of the car without a proper good night. ...Read More

Question: My daughter comes from a choshuve home and family, she is a very good eligible girl, and we are offering money. And yet, in the two years+ that she is back from seminary, she only got one yes! What is going on? My friends and neighbors tell me that they have the same problem with their...Read More

We spoke with The Shidduch Center to learn about their vital mission and the impact of COVID on dating. How does The Shidduch Center serve the Baltimore community? Rabbi Shlomo Goldberger, Executive Director In a nutshell, the recipe is simple...Read More

Question: When considering shidduchim for my daughter, how and when may I take the interests of my wife and myself into the equation? For example, say a shidduch is redd from out of town and my wife and I don't want to consider out of town because of the practical difficulties it will entail, is...Read More

Question: Both my older sister and I are single and waiting to get married. I find myself anxious and worried all the time. I want/need to have bitachon in order to get me through this nisayon.
 My question is: What does bitachon mean in regards to shidduchim? Thank you.Read More

Question: When our son got married, we were promised a certain amount of support per month for him from our mechutanim. We found out later that the girl's parents used her bank account to give the money. We felt like they were not honest with us. Is this typical in shidduchim? Is there anything to do?Read More

Question: I’ve been married for ten years. My friend at work, who was single for a long time, recently got married. We are always trying to set up our friends and we noticed that people very often say no to the ideas we mention to them, giving very superficial reasons for doing so. Do you,...Read More

Question: As someone living in the frum world, I see the constant need for shidduchim to be made. Boruch Hashem, I am part of a large mishpacha that includes aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings. This means davening at least twice a day for the day my relatives will announce their engagement.  I am a very social person by nature and "get" people. I noticed...Read More

Question:   Firstly, I want to thank all the shadchanim for their mesirus nefesh for Klal Yisroel.    I was recently speaking to a shadchan regarding my daughter's shidduchim and we were discussing the difficulties that many girls have getting dates. The shadchan told me that many parents pay shadchanim upwards of $800 just to get a first date, and it is understood that the shadchan will be compensated if...Read More

Question: It is common to have a dater disclose a medical issue to the other dater on the third, fourth or fifth date. I do not like to date a few times only to find out this information. I heard that some people ask about medical issues upfront in a way that halachically the reference has...Read More

Question: At what point should parents of a boy and a girl speak about money and support during a shidduch process? In our last two shidduchim, we didn’t do so till after our children were already getting engaged. In a sense, it was already too late. There were certain things that we would have wanted to be ironed...Read More

Question: As a boy in shidduchim, I am easily able to see the significant advantage that boys have over girls in getting dates. Usually, a boy will just have to flip through a pile of résumés and pick the one that he feels is most suited for him (which is actually harder than it seems. But...Read More

Question: My friend and I have been in shidduchim for some time. We have noticed that there are close friends and family who want to show that they care about us and therefore try redding shidduchim for us. I am under the impression that they mean well, but it doesn't necessarily come across in a pleasant way. They tend to...Read More

Question: Is there any place in frum dating for a “casual” date – that is, a date on which one need not dress formally (a suit and tie for a boy and an outfit for a girl), but one can dress more casually?Read More

Question: Due to the coronavirus social distancing restrictions, should dates take place via Skype, Zoom, or even by phone? If dating already started, is there any benefit in continuing remotely? Any other advice for dating during these uncertain times?Read More

Question: Since I am an out-of-town girl in shidduchim, the following question has come up several times.  I usually make the effort to go in to the Tri-State area for the first two dates, as I know it is difficult for the boy to travel, miss yeshiva, etc. The means of transportation are either taking a bus...Read More

Question: 
My friend mentioned to me that she has a dating mentor and was raving about how beneficial it is and how her dating has totally changed. As someone dating for the last year and a half, I would like to have a dating mentor, because when I come home from a date and my mother...Read More

Question:   My son, who boruch Hashem is an excellent boy, went out with a girl, who, on the first date, asked him if he davens with a minyan three times a day. My son, a superb and ehrliche ben Torah, has virtually not missed a minyan since his bar mitzvah. However, he was very turned off by the question, going so far as to...Read More

Question:   Although I am not a shadchan, I try to keep an open eye for our young men and women still looking for "their right one.” I often find myself in the following predicament and would love some opinions and advice from the panel.    Sometimes I give a name to a parent/shadchan and they will...Read More

Question:    What can I do to get a shadchan to return my calls? I understand that a shadchan cannot return every call, but sometimes?    And why is it that my friend's calls are always returned? On paper, there is no difference between our daughters. Both attended the same schools, both are bright and personable. Can the only...Read More

Question: I'm a 23-year-old boy and still don't feel like I'm ready to get married. My parents tell me that I'm ready, but I'm unsure. Who's right?Read More

Question: I have heard lately that along with the growing use of “shidduch groups" to network and share résumés and information about singles for shidduchim, there has developed a situation whereby many singles who meet a shadchan privately end up getting posted and mass shared without having granted permission. When they find out, they are...Read More

Question:   The current structure of shadchanus of compensation upon a completed shidduch with nary an allowance for the level of difficulty in getting that particular shidduch off the ground would seem to discourage shadchanim from focusing the majority of their time on singles who are less easy to set up.    In addition, the current structure, which makes no allowance for the...Read More

Question: Our son is learning in Eretz Yisroel, where he went out with a girl from America who was on vacation there. It was made clear to the girl’s family that our son is a very serious learner and wants to learn long-term. We told the shadchan this numerous times before and during the shidduch, and we asked...Read More

Question: I'm a 20-year-old girl who has grown up in a home of Torah. My father is a hardworking person who learns during every minute he has available. We have a large family and my parents barely make ends meet. I want to marry a serious learner, but every boy asks if my parents will...Read More

Question: As a shadchan for close to three decades, I would like to say that I've done a comparative study (it took about a second) and concluded that my having made 7 shidduchim before résumés with photos and one shidduch in the last 15 years is a clear sign that it is way harder to get a date off the ground these...Read More

Question:   As a bochur in shidduchim for some time, with many friends in the same situation, and hearing that there are many girls also looking for their zivugim, I was wondering if there is anything that could be done to address this matter.   A married friend of mine told me that his wife has friends in the parsha for over...Read More

Question:   Who's allowed to know when one is dating?   Assuming that a boy or girl should strive to have "minimal" research exposure regarding asking friends for info about others, how much can be shared about the dating process, such as asking an out-of-towner for info about a certain place, borrowing a gps/ties/games, notifying chavrusos/coworkers...Read More

Question:   I was very disturbed by a sign that someone recently posted in the yeshiva where I learn. He wrote that he was recently married and, within the first week of sheva brachos, his wife was crying and he couldn't figure out what he had done wrong. He goes on to write that after much money spent on...Read More

Question:   I recently went out with a girl and we had excellent conversation, but for whatever reason it didn't work out. More girls are being suggested, boruch Hashem, and the phone is ringing, so to speak.    What I'm wondering is whether I should allow the great conversations I had with the previous girl help me...Read More

Question:   What’s the protocol for when a boy bumps into the parents of a girl (or the girl herself) after having been on a few dates and the shidduch ended respectfully and/or mutually:

A) Ignore.  B) Turn red, avoid eye contact, and reverse course. 
C) Give a quick nod and move along. 
D) None of the above.    I’ve experienced this...Read More