Question:
Dear shadchanim,
I’m a young newlywed and I just made my first shidduch, boruch Hashem. It’s very exciting, but I have so much anxiety because I’m so nervous for it to work out. I feel like it’s on my head all day. Any advice? Is this normal?
Answer:
Mazal tov and yaasher koach! Each and every shidduch is a tremendous zechus, and an achievement worthy of public commendation. It is also a great responsibility, and accordingly, it is to be expected that sensations of apprehension and restlessness commingle with the feelings of exhilaration and accomplishment you are experiencing.
Additionally, given the virtually inevitable ups and downs that accompany the period between engagement and wedding, it is a time that is often somewhat fraught with worry for the shadchan. Especially so when it is the first shidduch that someone has made. It is thus no surprise that the simcha is consuming the entirety of your headspace and producing all manner of phantasmagoria related to the future of this young couple. This is all perfectly normal.
What one must remember, however, is that as important as the shadchan is, there are many other consociates who play key roles in each shidduch. A shadchan these days wears many hats: initiator, facilitator, researcher, cajoler, mediator, advocate, liaison, event planner, resource and referral source, mentor, coach, and therapist. But the burden does not rest on their shoulders alone. Generally speaking, the parents of each dater are also heavily involved in the dating and decision-making development, as are rebbeim, teachers, family members, and friends. It is never, nor should it be, a one-man (or woman, in most cases) show. Not to mention, the true shadchan is Hakadosh Boruch Hu, b’Chvodo uv’Atzmo. Every human being is but an instrument and emissary in His hands.
And ultimately, of course, it is the couple themselves who will make that final determination before committing to marriage. Each single man and woman must absorb all the guidance and counsel that is directed their way, assess whether or not this is the person whom they yearn to build a family and spend the rest of their life with, b’ezras Hashem, and then decide what the next step will be.
Provided the shadchan has not placed any undue pressure on the couple, endeavors to ensure that a framework of support remains in place for the newly affianced, and permits the process to progress naturally and earnestly, they have done all that they can and should have done. From that point forward, one must place their trust in Hashem and in the choice that the couple has made, and be mispallel that the shidduch results in the building of another bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel.
May the Yafeh B’ito Hakol Asah grant you strength and equanimity at this unique juncture, and may He continue to utilize your skills in the bringing together of many more single men and women in Klal Yisroel.
